“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense. (xxvi)”
Eve Ensler (Author, I Am An Emotional Creature)
“Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Don’t let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all of your glory.”
Jim Carrey (Actor, The Truman Show)
“In trying to please all, he had pleased none.”
Aesop (Ancient Greek Fabulist, Aesop’s Fables)
I have a secret.
I like to make other people happy.
I enjoy the validation.
(I know — you’re like, who is this? Isaiah is the opposite of a people-pleaser. His whole platform is based on NOT pleasing other people. Right?)
Despite my best efforts, I will always get a dopamine rush when other people tell me “good job”.
I will always feel good when I do what someone else wants me to do.
At least, at first.
It’s biology.
Me, you, everyone — we are all biologically wired to not only follow other people, but to feel good when we follow them.
We are hard-wired to do what other people tell us to do AND to get a “high” from doing what we are told.
You can’t fight biology.
You can’t rip out the neurons in your brain that control this.
But you can manage your biology.
You can train yourself to ask questions first, before accepting someone else’s validation.
You can ask questions before doing what someone else wants you to do, just because they want you to do it.
This is what I learned to do (eventually).
My first reaction is still to please other people.
My first reaction is still to get the positive attention that comes with being agreeable and doing what other people want me to do.
But I’ve learned to let these feelings pass through me before taking action.
I let my biology react, then I ask questions internally. Is this really what I want? Am I going to regret this? Will I lose part of myself? Am I doing this for the right reasons? Then, I take action.
Why Pleasing Other People Only Makes You Miserable
Do you want to live a miserable life?
Here’s how: try to please everyone.
Put other people’s happiness in front of your own.
Do this for a few weeks or a few months and I guarantee you one thing: you will be miserable.
Your life will be a crushing defeat in every way.
Not only will you not feel satisfied… everyone you’re trying to please won’t feel satisfied either.
You’ll set a pattern that says you’ll do anything to make them happy.
You’ll sacrifice your own needs for theirs.
For what?
Praise? Pats on the head? Treats from the candy jar?
Pleasing everyone makes you easily used, taken for granted, and weak.
So, why do you do this?
Why is it so easy to be a people-pleaser?
The journal Frontiers in Human Neuroscience published a study that suggests that “social conformity” (or people-pleasing) is a skill used by some to avoid mental stress caused by disagreement.
You like to be liked and not have conflict.
As a result, sometimes you either hold back what you really think, or placate others by going out of your way to be extra agreeable.
This coping mechanism has backlash of its own however: contributing to anxiety and mental stress, as well as increasing the risk of poor decision-making, buckling under social pressures, and relationship issues.
The same journal reported in a study that social conformity was a way for people to feel included in social connections, and that acceptance is often sought for overall positive affect.
The problem is that the lengths many people will go to in order to avoid rejection or controversy have become extreme.
Because “selfish” and “greedy” are labels most want to avoid, people will often sacrifice their own needs for others.
In a study from the Proceedings from the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, researchers found that people would sacrifice for another in what they called “hyperaltruism”.
Yep — hyperaltruism.
A word that essentially means you give everything to others, even if they walk all over you and treat you like crap.
You give everything, even if you know you’re being used as a crutch and your giving is actually hurting the other person.
Hyperaltruism, or being a people-pleaser, is a lose-lose scenario.
Continue reading here: http://www.isaiahhankel.com/stop-being-a-people-pleaser-avoid-a-miserable-life
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